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Spring: Tom’s Song

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Art and illustration by Marian Yap

Yesterday marked 4 years since Tom passed away. It feels appropriate to write this as I think of him and his impact on my life. In my previous post on Deep Calls to Deep, I wrote briefly about Tom and his cancer diagnosis and how it affected me.

Tom and I

As the weeks went on and it was seemingly likely that barring a miracle, Tom was soon to be with the Lord. And I’m not sure how or when but I decided one day that I wanted to write a song for him. Tom was excited (as he usually is) about it. He loved my music and was one of my biggest fans. He used to play my CD in his car and would proudly tell people who it was. I miss him. Back to the song, though…

One of Tom’s favorite passages was Isaiah 60:1-3

Isaiah 60 – Arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.

2 See, darkness covers the earth

    and thick darkness is over the peoples,

but the Lord rises upon you

    and his glory appears over you.

3 Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your

dawn.

This passage had been given to him earlier in his life and he would say that he only began to realize it more fully through his time at Colby-Sawyer College. There, he met students from all over the world and he saw it his mission to reach them all with the love of Jesus. And I cannot even begin to describe the amazing ways in which he did that. When he was diagnosed, he was even more sure of his purpose to reach others for Christ and he did not hold back on sharing the love of God. Be it the nurses in the hospital, the co-workers, students and even the random waitress at a restaurant, Tom was faithful to proclaim the good news. He showed what it meant in living and even in dying, to testify of God.

There was no question what I was going to name the song: it’s Tom’s. He planned his celebration of life service and asked me if I could sing his song there. Tearfully, I agreed. A memory that will never leave me is when I visited him (which also happened to be the last time) and got to sing the song to him. As God would have it, a few international students happened to be visiting him also and Tom told them that I was going to sing the song there and then. Most of them did not know the Lord and as I sang the words, Tom and I looked at each other…

Oh that the nations will see that You are worthy           

Lord be glorified in me                                                        

You alone are the King, You deserve the glory               

May they know Your love through me

Here’s the video of the song, sung publicly for the very first time, captured by dear Tom :’)

Winter: Deep Calls To Deep

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Art and illustration by Marian Yap.

It was the winter of 2017. News of Tom’s cancer diagnosis was devastating and it felt like a heavy burden on my soul. Tom was my spiritual father whom I met back in 2012 when I was a freshman. We grew close when he came on to be a campus safety officer that fall and stepped in to be our Christian Fellowship advisor. He adopted me (not legally) to be his daughter as he had always wanted one and he was my friend and father. It was painfully hard to accept that Tom was sick and had only a few months to live, there was nothing they could do…

One day, as I was sitting on my bed, I started to weep. And then I came across this passage from Psalm 42:

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

If there was ever a moment where I felt that the Scriptures were describing exactly what I was feeling, this was one of those times. I picked up my guitar and started to sing:

All Your waves and breakers have swept over me.

The Lord met me in a very special way, through my tears and sorrow, I felt His comfort and yet, hope in the midst of the pain. And it became my anthem that season.

Still I will praise You / You are my hope / You’re my Savior and my God

I pray that you too, will find Him in the dark night of the soul. When tears have been your food day and night, you will know that He meets you, right where you are.

Fall: Faithful (Through It All)

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*This is the first post in a series that feature various art illustrations that depict a season and a song from my debut EP, that was released 2 years ago. Art and illustration by Marian Yap. Concept and layout by Timo Ong.

If I were to be honest, the journey really started in the summer of 2016. Or maybe it was the spring. I was finishing up my one year on staff with The Navigators in Boston and felt the Lord calling me to stay, for at least another year. I was excited but nervous because I had to apply for a visa, which was not guaranteed and could take awhile. I was thankful that Navigators was willing to apply on my behalf and so my application was submitted in March. I remember when the semester ended and I had to say goodbye to my students and how hard it was because I didn’t know if I would be back. Deep inside I really felt a peace and knew that the Lord had called me and in which case, He will make a way but I couldn’t know for sure…

By the time the summer came around, I was still waiting but because my work authorization had ended, I was in limbo where I couldn’t leave the country nor could I get paid even though I was still working with Navs. Still, the Lord provided all my needs and so much more, that’s a whole different story on it’s own!

Many days I wrestled with the question: will the visa come? When? I was starting to get tired of waiting. (Ironically enough, the previous 2 posts were written in this season and speak to that place). But, it’s also in that waiting where I met God in such a special way. And the wrestling within my soul was too much to the point where I had to get it out, somehow. Which was when God resurfaced a desire and dream I’ve had to write songs. For a long time, I battled with insecurity and comparing myself to other singers, songwriters, you name it. I felt like maybe I was just called to lead worship and sing other people’s songs. But I remember a specific conversation with God where He asked me why is it that I wanted to write and who was I trying to become? I lost that one….

I knew then, that the song I wanted to write was going to be one that will be about trusting God and His faithfulness. 2 Timothy 2:13 says that if we are faithless, he remains faithful – for he cannot deny himself. I knew then, that I could trust Him even in times of uncertainty because His faithfulness will not change and even if, the outcome wasn’t what I was hoping for, He is still worthy of my trust because His character is unchanging. And when I thought about how He had been faithful in my past, especially since leaving home in 2011 for a foreign land and all He had done for me since then, I knew that this was just another thing I could trust Him with.

Fast forward to the fall, a new school year had started but I still received no news. In fact, the only thing I heard was that it was going to take longer (than the 3-5 months it normally does). One specific weekend, I was on my way to JHOP (Justice House of Prayer) to attend a prayer set. I was having a conversation with God and really bringing my heart before Him. He asked a simple question: What are you most afraid of in this season? To which I responded: the uncertainty and if I am to leave I want to know because I want to start saying goodbye. And what He drew me to in that moment was the following verse from Matthew 28:18-20: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” As Christians, we talk about the Great Commission a lot and especially as Navigators. But the part that stood out to me was about authority. The Lord showed me that I was waiting for my authority (to stay and do what He had called me to) from the government but He had already given me His authority.

In that moment, I received the answer I was looking for. It wasn’t one that described the length of time I was to serve, it wasn’t about what exactly He was going to do but it was about Him who had called me and that’s all I needed to know. And that morning after the prayer set, one of my friends prayed for me and gave me a word about going back to a place of worship and taking my mind off the situation. Which I did and even though I thought about it occasionally, I didn’t quite worry or wrestle with it any longer. A few weeks later, I was sitting by a piano and started to sing ‘Won’t go till You say go, I’ll trust and I will follow’. And true enough, I found out the next day that my visa was approved!!! Praise God!

I don’t think I had planned to tell the whole story but I felt like someone needed to hear it so there goes. :). I pray that you are encouraged and know that God is faithful and will come through, even if it’s not in your time, His timing is truly good! You can find more videos of the song in the Music tab of my site. God bless!!

Waiting, Trusting, Hoping

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The only way to learn how to be patient is to wait. I don’t remember who said that to me but it continues to run through my mind. I did pray specifically for patience last year and here I am, still waiting.

My last post was three months ago and to be perfectly honest, I thought I would’ve had an answer by now but there isn’t still. I’ve had multiple thoughts running through my head; the what-if’s and possibilities that lie ahead of me. But the Lord has taught me so, so much during this season and continues to draw me closer to Himself. I’ll try to be as coherent as possible but there is no guarantee.

Lesson 1: Waiting is not the worst. I’ve had a few people say that waiting is the worst (if you’ve said it before, this isn’t personal) and I think it’s largely to do with the culture we live in that demands instant gratification. We can’t even wait 5 minutes. We get restless and start complaining when the person in front of us in a line at Starbucks can’t decide what he wants and we secretly wish they would make up their minds. We’re always going places be it physically or in our minds. We’re constantly rushing ahead of ourselves.

And we’ve brought this into our relationships, even with God. We want things to happen right when we ask for them. But that’s not how it works.

God really does work in His own time and way and it’s not up to us. To believe that His ways and thoughts are higher is to allow Him to just be God. He knows, we don’t. And that’s perfectly okay.

Lesson 2: Waiting is an opportunity to grow and trust. It’s about perspective. No season is without purpose and sometimes the seasons in which we despise and wouldn’t wish for are the very ones that God uses to grow us in our knowledge of His character: His love, goodness and faithfulness. It’s where what we believe about who God is is tested. I thought this season would last for three months but it’s been almost 4. I know God is sovereign. I know He is in control. And as much as I want answers, I rest.

Isaiah 30:15, 18 – For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength. But you would not. And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship!]

The verses above are packed with truth! It’s something the Lord has used to encourage me in this season. This is where I’m supposed to be. The Lord waits to be gracious to us, to show loving-kindness to us. Just think about it!

It’s not just waiting, it’s a waiting with expectation. A waiting that causes us to fix our eyes not on the outcome/what’s going to happen but on God Himself. And maybe, just maybe the answer will come. And when it does, you might just find that it wasn’t really what you were looking for after all.

Lesson 3: ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ It’s a conversation I have within my soul; reminding myself to be still: God is God. And I can’t describe the peace it brings.

Wait, just wait.

This is a poem that speaks on waiting and speaks to what I’ve been experiencing. God bless!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”

“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.

“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.”

 

Gracious Uncertainty

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If you think of about it, most of our worries are related to the future. We get anxious about what’s going to happen or if something we hope for will or will not happen. Even our thoughts and worries about what people think of us or how something is going to play out is related to uncertainty – we just don’t know.

We worry so much that we’ve made it okay to do so, it’s almost as if worry is and should be part of life because, who doesn’t worry?

But worry really reflects a larger issue and I love how Francis Chan defines it in Crazy Love:

WORRY implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.
STRESS says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional.

If worry stems from a lack of trust, then trusting God would be the way to live worry-free. I can think of many instances where I start to worry and get worked up but almost immediately the Lord gently asks me “Do you trust Me?” I wish my answer was always yes but it hasn’t always been.

I’m in an interesting season of life right now where I honestly don’t know what my future holds. I’m in a season of waiting for God to reveal His specific will and purposes for me as I continue to pursue what He’s already given me and I love it. I’ve heard this so much especially since senior year in college, “what are you going to do after graduation?”. There are days I wish He would show me what lies ahead. There are moments I cry out to Him for an answer to pressing questions. But what I hear is, “Trust Me, my daughter, trust Me.” And I’ve learnt to appreciate it. If we knew exactly how things were going to unfold, if we knew exactly what the future holds, where we’ll be, what we’ll be doing, who we’ll be with, life wouldn’t be as exciting. No, seriously, think about it. What will be the point if everything came true exactly how we wanted it to be? It’s like knowing everything about a movie before watching it. We hate spoilers but apply it to real life and we are dying to know.

But I’ve been in this season before and I look back and see how it all turned out. Me being in Boston is a result of waiting, seeking, trusting and taking God at His word. I had my worries but He took care of them. I had my questions but He answered them. I had my needs and He met them. I have not gone to a place where He has not met me and He is here with me, still. He continues to teach me that, just as Corrie Ten Boom says, “I don’t need to know the way, I just need to trust my Guide.”

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows (Hidden by United Pursuit)

Know His heart for you. And as you do, you will find that your worries will disappear. That as you bring your concerns to Him, He will be faithful to take it upon Himself, His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Would you join me of appreciating the gracious uncertainty but one thing is certain: He is good and will never fail. May that be enough, always!

 

The Epiphany

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If I were to think about all the epiphanies I’ve had in my life, I could probably write a book. An epiphany, to me, is a revelation, an insight; an unveiling of the truth that you were once blind to. It doesn’t stop there but it changes you, even in the smallest ways. Your life is never the same again once you receive that wonderful moment we call an epiphany. Some epiphanies have been very significant, some not so much but still it all contributes to the person I am today. The epiphany I am going to write about however is perhaps, the most significant one that affects me to this very day.

Growing up in a Christian household, I had never really doubted my faith. I was told as a kid that Jesus loves me and died on the cross for me. To me, that was a breath of fresh air. I gave my life to the Lord at age 6 or 7. That moment is still etched very deeply in my memory; I prayed the sinner’s prayer in church and tears rolled down my cheeks and for the first time, I felt God. The song ‘Change My Heart o God’ was being sung and sometimes I think about that moment.

My faith grew over the years as I began to see how my faith was defining me as a person. I would go to Christian camps every year and I loved it. I would get passionate about God during the camp and it will last for a while but then I would go back to the old. I thought I was fine, I was a ‘good’ Christian for the most part. I prayed, read the Bible when I could and tried not to do anything bad. My 16th year took a turn and the emotional baggage and hurt began to pile up. Through my pain and sorrow, He was close, proving Himself faithful.

But to be perfectly honest, even though I was experiencing a closeness with God that was new and somewhat relieving, I still didn’t really understand His heart for me and what this whole thing was about. The next year, in May of 2008, I attended a camp that changed my life. The speaker and his team were so on fire for God and I had never seen any ministry quite like theirs. Their passion and conviction was clear and it really made an impact. Every session was Spirit filled and people were experiencing God like never before. I received healing for my broken heart during one of the sessions but it was only the beginning. The camp lasted for 4 days and on the last session on the last day, the speaker drew a line across the hall. He called it the ‘Line of No Return’. He asked us to prayerfully consider crossing the line. He said that once we cross the line, there is no turning back; crossing the line was a sign of total surrender to God and His will for our lives. Even if it hurts, no matter what the cost, it was a decision to follow God wholeheartedly. As I knelt and prayed with the rest on the other side, I was weeping. I was convicted to cross the line but I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Sure enough, I took a step of faith and crossed the line. The moment I got over to the other side, I fell to my knees and my heart was literally lifted. I felt joy and peace. I knew I had made the right decision. This was my destiny, this was my call: to follow Jesus and live a life of absolute surrender.

I was holding on so tightly to my dreams but I let it go. I realized there and then that joy comes when we are surrendered to the Lord. Why did I not know it before? I could’ve saved time from struggling with Him. God loves me and His call for me to surrender is not so I will suffer but I will have life. Because He created me and therefore knows best for me and because of His great love, I can trust Him. That was the greatest epiphany. Of a loving God who compels me to follow Him and surrender every single day. By crossing the line, I moved past religion into a relationship with the Lover of all. I had found peace and it came by raising the white flag. I can’t go back, I’m keeping it raised.

p.s: I actually do have a dream of writing a book. In His time.